So why would a professional counselor, with a PhD, treat his wife and family in a way contrary to all of his education and training? Ironically, in need of the kind of help you would expect his training to provide? Part of the answer is spiritual, since we are all guilty of being prideful.
"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/3.19?lang=eng#p18)
It is something more than that though, this kind of behavior goes much deeper and it has to do with brain chemistry.
Depression messes with your brain. You get to the point where you literally aren't thinking clearly. Descriptions of what it's like trying to function with depression are similar to descriptions for symptoms of Alzheimer's Disease and Dimentia.
Addiction also messes with your brain. Pornography impairs your thinking and reasoning ability. The addicted brain causes changes in behavior.
If you suffer from addiction, use caution when learning more about the harmful effects because reading about it can be a trigger.
"The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel."
(https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1986/10/little-children?lang=eng)
You can download a free copy of the addiction recovery 12 step guidebook both as a PDF or MP3.
(https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/home?lang=eng)
You can also get a free copy by going to one of the 12 step meetings.
(https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng)
Whether or not you have addictions, the program is designed for self-improvement in overcoming character flaws and weakness. Unless you are already perfect, you can benefit from the program.
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
(https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/ether/12.27?lang=eng#p26)
One of the best ways to augment your recovery, as you work through the 12 steps and then repeat (once you hit step 12 - you start again back on step 1, each time you go through the steps you will gain something new, you will also gain valuable insights from others by going to the meetings, use caution when sharing advice - what works for you might not work for someone else and could cause them to get discouraged when your advice doesn't work for them), is to read daily in the Book of Mormon. There is great power in consistent daily study.
"It is not just that the Book of Mormon teaches us truth, though it indeed does that. It is not just that the Book of Mormon bears testimony of Christ, though it indeed does that, too. But there is something more. There is a power in the book which will begin to flow into your lives the moment you begin a serious study of the book. You will find greater power to resist temptation. You will find the power to avoid deception. You will find the power to stay on the strait and narrow path. The scriptures are called “the words of life” (D&C 84:85), and nowhere is that more true than it is of the Book of Mormon. When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance."
(https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1986/10/the-book-of-mormon-keystone-of-our-religion?lang=eng)
Friday, October 12, 2018
Thursday, October 11, 2018
Why do victims get blamed for causing someone else to be rotten?
In my years of college I have taken courses in psychology, child development, human development, marriage and family relations as well as courses relating to special education. In addition, I have listened to talk tapes and seminars, attended community offered classes, and read and studied book after book after book from public and university libraries. I have studied enough on my own that, had I pursued it through college, I could have earned a PhD many times over. Much is available now online but most of my learning was done pre-internet. Information was available back then but you had to be motivated to seek it out. I was super motivated leading up to and after my divorce. At first I was trying to save my marriage and then I was on a mission for over a decade to "fix" myself so that, if any part of the divorce was in any way my fault, I would be able to prevent it from happening in the future. I went to years of professional counseling with that goal in mind. I did want to eventually get remarried but I also wanted to never go through something like that again.
Years ago, there was a call-in radio program on at night called Loveline. Those were the days when the show was hosted by Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla. I worked late enough that I could listen to it on the drive home. It was fascinating and often disturbing to listen to teenagers talk about behavior and relationship problems and ask medical questions about sex. The phone calls were often unavoidably graphic in nature due to the content of the subject matter discussed. People often were caught in repetitive patterns of behavior. They were "acting out" the pain of past traumas. People seem to be subconsciously driven to recreate unhealthy and destructive situations going from one failed relationship to the next. Dysfunction and abuse have a way of getting passed on to others. I had no idea how common it was for people's lives to be so messed up.
Despite book learning and education, we tend to behave in similar ways to what we observed and experienced growing up. We often become our parents. We don't pause and think before we act; many of our relationship behaviors are automatic. It may seem ironic that a professional counselor with actual credentials in marriage and family relations would behave in a way contrary to their education but this is something which also happens. Not being able to see the forest for the trees is very common. Sometimes denial is more than not wanting to admit something, sometimes it is actually not knowing.
Fortunately, I have parents who were good examples. I also realize that some things are beyond our control. We should take responsibility for ourselves and our own behavior but we should not try to take responsibility for another person's choices. Due to agency, sometimes people choose to do what they do and there is nothing we can do to stop them. We are only responsible for ourselves. We can and should take ownership of our own choices and behavior but not for someone else's.
If you do the very best that you possibly can, to be a devoted and loving husband and father, but your wife still chooses to be unfaithful - that is not your fault. You are responsible for you. I thought that it was somehow my fault. I am now convinced that cheaters cheat. It is what they do. What she did really had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. It would not have mattered if she was married to me or to someone else, I was just the poor unlucky one that happened to be married to a cheater. I also believe that people can change but only if they are willing.
I blamed myself for her choices but she also told me it was my fault. If it was somehow my fault then she did nothing wrong. That is why she has never apologized or admitted that what she did was wrong. She has never taken ownership of what she did. She is the one that is still bitter even though she is the one that cheated. She is still angry at me for her own choices because she says she never would have cheated if she had been happy. Somehow I should have known she was unhappy without needing to be told. Here's the problem though. She was already unhappy before I knew her. She was already that way before we ever met. How can something be my fault if it happened long before I was even in the picture? Was it my responsibility to make her happy after we got married (even when she never was honest with me about being unhappy until it was too late)? Was her happiness my responsibility or hers? Who is in charge of whom? Because she has not accepted what she did, she has not been able to move on. She is stuck and unable to move forward. She has never been honest with herself about what she did. She is still angry and bitter.
Ironically, she is angry at me for what she did even though I should be the one who is angry because she cheated. Instead, she is the one that is angry. She does not seem to be able to get past it. Once she moved away, I was reminded of this every time I tried to see my children. She still tries to keep me from being part of their lives. She does not encourage or support their relationship with their father. She wants them to only be hers and not mine. She does not want to share. She does not want me to be their father. She does not understand and does not want to understand. She is still stuck in the unhappy place she was before I met her and angry at me because I did not fix it. She is still unhappy.
If someone tries to make you responsible for their happiness, that is not only unfair, it is something beyond your control. You are not their personal savior. The only way to gain the kind of healing needed to be truly happy is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Repentance, or in other words - our willingness, is needed for that to happen. Because she will not admit she did anything wrong, she is not able to repent. She is not able to receive the kind of healing only the Lord Jesus can provide because she is not willing to let it happen. Grace is something we can receive but we also have to choose to allow it.
A powerful example of this can be found in the story of Enos:
"And I will tell you of the wrestle which I had before God, before I received a remission of my sins. Behold, I went to hunt beasts in the forests; and the words which I had often heard my father speak concerning eternal life, and the joy of the saints, sunk deep into my heart. And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens. And there came a voice unto me, saying: Enos, thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed. And I, Enos, knew that God could not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away. And I said: Lord, how is it done? And he said unto me: Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen. And many years pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh; wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole.
(https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/enos/1.2-8?lang=eng#p1)
We can be healed completely and made whole once we decide to accept God's grace. Accepting God's grace, however, requires us to be honest.
Years ago, there was a call-in radio program on at night called Loveline. Those were the days when the show was hosted by Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla. I worked late enough that I could listen to it on the drive home. It was fascinating and often disturbing to listen to teenagers talk about behavior and relationship problems and ask medical questions about sex. The phone calls were often unavoidably graphic in nature due to the content of the subject matter discussed. People often were caught in repetitive patterns of behavior. They were "acting out" the pain of past traumas. People seem to be subconsciously driven to recreate unhealthy and destructive situations going from one failed relationship to the next. Dysfunction and abuse have a way of getting passed on to others. I had no idea how common it was for people's lives to be so messed up.
Despite book learning and education, we tend to behave in similar ways to what we observed and experienced growing up. We often become our parents. We don't pause and think before we act; many of our relationship behaviors are automatic. It may seem ironic that a professional counselor with actual credentials in marriage and family relations would behave in a way contrary to their education but this is something which also happens. Not being able to see the forest for the trees is very common. Sometimes denial is more than not wanting to admit something, sometimes it is actually not knowing.
Fortunately, I have parents who were good examples. I also realize that some things are beyond our control. We should take responsibility for ourselves and our own behavior but we should not try to take responsibility for another person's choices. Due to agency, sometimes people choose to do what they do and there is nothing we can do to stop them. We are only responsible for ourselves. We can and should take ownership of our own choices and behavior but not for someone else's.
If you do the very best that you possibly can, to be a devoted and loving husband and father, but your wife still chooses to be unfaithful - that is not your fault. You are responsible for you. I thought that it was somehow my fault. I am now convinced that cheaters cheat. It is what they do. What she did really had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. It would not have mattered if she was married to me or to someone else, I was just the poor unlucky one that happened to be married to a cheater. I also believe that people can change but only if they are willing.
I blamed myself for her choices but she also told me it was my fault. If it was somehow my fault then she did nothing wrong. That is why she has never apologized or admitted that what she did was wrong. She has never taken ownership of what she did. She is the one that is still bitter even though she is the one that cheated. She is still angry at me for her own choices because she says she never would have cheated if she had been happy. Somehow I should have known she was unhappy without needing to be told. Here's the problem though. She was already unhappy before I knew her. She was already that way before we ever met. How can something be my fault if it happened long before I was even in the picture? Was it my responsibility to make her happy after we got married (even when she never was honest with me about being unhappy until it was too late)? Was her happiness my responsibility or hers? Who is in charge of whom? Because she has not accepted what she did, she has not been able to move on. She is stuck and unable to move forward. She has never been honest with herself about what she did. She is still angry and bitter.
Ironically, she is angry at me for what she did even though I should be the one who is angry because she cheated. Instead, she is the one that is angry. She does not seem to be able to get past it. Once she moved away, I was reminded of this every time I tried to see my children. She still tries to keep me from being part of their lives. She does not encourage or support their relationship with their father. She wants them to only be hers and not mine. She does not want to share. She does not want me to be their father. She does not understand and does not want to understand. She is still stuck in the unhappy place she was before I met her and angry at me because I did not fix it. She is still unhappy.
If someone tries to make you responsible for their happiness, that is not only unfair, it is something beyond your control. You are not their personal savior. The only way to gain the kind of healing needed to be truly happy is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Repentance, or in other words - our willingness, is needed for that to happen. Because she will not admit she did anything wrong, she is not able to repent. She is not able to receive the kind of healing only the Lord Jesus can provide because she is not willing to let it happen. Grace is something we can receive but we also have to choose to allow it.
A powerful example of this can be found in the story of Enos:
"And I will tell you of the wrestle which I had before God, before I received a remission of my sins. Behold, I went to hunt beasts in the forests; and the words which I had often heard my father speak concerning eternal life, and the joy of the saints, sunk deep into my heart. And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens. And there came a voice unto me, saying: Enos, thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed. And I, Enos, knew that God could not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away. And I said: Lord, how is it done? And he said unto me: Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen. And many years pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh; wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole.
(https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/enos/1.2-8?lang=eng#p1)
We can be healed completely and made whole once we decide to accept God's grace. Accepting God's grace, however, requires us to be honest.
Sunday, September 30, 2018
Intellectual arrogance
Listening to a radio program, I heard a college professor being dismissive about the contributions of Jesus and His teachings as well as expressing a very closed minded view about a topic in which he was not an expert and had no personal experience. He had never sought the knowledge or experience to know what he was even talking about but thought himself an expert because of completely unrelated learning. I was surprised by his arrogance. To have never tried even to experiment upon the word of God or to attempt to receive any answer to sincere and earnest prayer or to even try to learn how to feel and recognize the Holy Spirit but still think of yourself as an authority in a field of knowledge and experience which you have not even tried to understand? It goes counter to the supposed scientific method which would require experimentation before arriving at a conclusion. There are religious experts who do have personal experience to validate their beliefs. Simply coming up with a foregone conclusion, without even making a token effort to find out for yourself whether something is true, does not seem very scientific. It also displays ignorance to a basic principle. We have agency in this life. We have the right to choose. God respects our agency. He will force no man to heaven.
"O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish. But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God." (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/2-ne/9.28-29?lang=eng#p27)
The experiment to know God is one which can be duplicated. This experiment has been replicated billions upon billions of times from Adam until now. Even before Adam, before the creation, we lived with Heavenly Father. In coming to know God, we are not seeking knowledge of something we don't already know. We are merely seeking remembrance of truths we have temporarily forgotten as a necessary condition of our mortal probation.
"And now Korihor said unto Alma: If thou wilt show me a sign, that I may be convinced that there is a God, yea, show unto me that he hath power, and then will I be convinced of the truth of thy words. But Alma said unto him: Thou hast had signs enough; will ye tempt your God? Will ye say, Show unto me a sign, when ye have the testimony of all these thy brethren, and also all the holy prophets? The scriptures are laid before thee, yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator." (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/30.43-44?lang=eng&clang=eng#p42)
Thou hast had signs enough; will ye tempt your God? Will ye say, Show unto me a sign, when ye have the testimony of all these thy brethren, and also all the holy prophets? The scriptures are laid before thee...
God does answer prayer. He also respects our agency. He will force no man to heaven. The experiment to know Him is repeatable and has been duplicated and replicated time and time and time and time and time again. We can validate the results for ourselves. The willingness to perform this experiment, however, is something we each must choose.
There is a reason that the 12 step program for addiction recovery is based on faith in Him. Once we quit wanting what we don't really want, we can choose to accept His help. God loves us and allows us to choose what it is that we truly want. He will force no man to heaven.
"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/3.19?lang=eng&clang=eng#p18)
If we are willing, God can change us. This is what it means to be born again.
"And it came to pass that when Ammon arose he also administered unto them, and also did all the servants of Lamoni; and they did all declare unto the people the selfsame thing—that their hearts had been changed; that they had no more desire to do evil." (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/19.33?lang=eng#p32)
"And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?" (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/5.14?lang=eng#p13)
"And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually." (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/5.2?lang=eng&clang=eng#p1)
"And I will tell you of the wrestle which I had before God, before I received a remission of my sins. Behold, I went to hunt beasts in the forests; and the words which I had often heard my father speak concerning eternal life, and the joy of the saints, sunk deep into my heart. And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens. And there came a voice unto me, saying: Enos, thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed. And I, Enos, knew that God could not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away. And I said: Lord, how is it done?" (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/enos/1.2-7?lang=eng#p1)
"O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish. But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God." (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/2-ne/9.28-29?lang=eng#p27)
The experiment to know God is one which can be duplicated. This experiment has been replicated billions upon billions of times from Adam until now. Even before Adam, before the creation, we lived with Heavenly Father. In coming to know God, we are not seeking knowledge of something we don't already know. We are merely seeking remembrance of truths we have temporarily forgotten as a necessary condition of our mortal probation.
"And now Korihor said unto Alma: If thou wilt show me a sign, that I may be convinced that there is a God, yea, show unto me that he hath power, and then will I be convinced of the truth of thy words. But Alma said unto him: Thou hast had signs enough; will ye tempt your God? Will ye say, Show unto me a sign, when ye have the testimony of all these thy brethren, and also all the holy prophets? The scriptures are laid before thee, yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator." (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/30.43-44?lang=eng&clang=eng#p42)
Thou hast had signs enough; will ye tempt your God? Will ye say, Show unto me a sign, when ye have the testimony of all these thy brethren, and also all the holy prophets? The scriptures are laid before thee...
God does answer prayer. He also respects our agency. He will force no man to heaven. The experiment to know Him is repeatable and has been duplicated and replicated time and time and time and time and time again. We can validate the results for ourselves. The willingness to perform this experiment, however, is something we each must choose.
There is a reason that the 12 step program for addiction recovery is based on faith in Him. Once we quit wanting what we don't really want, we can choose to accept His help. God loves us and allows us to choose what it is that we truly want. He will force no man to heaven.
"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/3.19?lang=eng&clang=eng#p18)
If we are willing, God can change us. This is what it means to be born again.
"And it came to pass that when Ammon arose he also administered unto them, and also did all the servants of Lamoni; and they did all declare unto the people the selfsame thing—that their hearts had been changed; that they had no more desire to do evil." (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/19.33?lang=eng#p32)
"And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?" (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/5.14?lang=eng#p13)
"And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually." (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/5.2?lang=eng&clang=eng#p1)
"And I will tell you of the wrestle which I had before God, before I received a remission of my sins. Behold, I went to hunt beasts in the forests; and the words which I had often heard my father speak concerning eternal life, and the joy of the saints, sunk deep into my heart. And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens. And there came a voice unto me, saying: Enos, thy sins are forgiven thee, and thou shalt be blessed. And I, Enos, knew that God could not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away. And I said: Lord, how is it done?" (https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/enos/1.2-7?lang=eng#p1)
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Happiness is a choice
"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man..." Why does God allow certain things to happen? Why doesn't He intervene and prevent people from suffering and dying due to tragedies and conflict? In order to understand this we need to first understand that there are no surprises to God. He has a plan in place, from before the earth was created, to overcome all of the effects of anything that we might suffer. Next we need to understand that the grace of God is made available to us only if we are willing. This life is a test of our agency. God will force no man to heaven. The effects of anything we suffer need not be permanent. We can be, not only healed, but healed so completely that it will be as if what we suffered never happened. We Can Be Made Whole.
Sometimes we struggle unaided as a deliberate choice, from a prideful desire to go it alone without His help. When we choose to fight Him and His plan for us to be happy, by not allowing Him to heal and help us, He respects our decision. God will force no man to heaven. We often underestimate His power to heal us, and lack the faith to ask for help, because we may not really believe we deserve to be healed. We may want to try to save ourselves or we might think we deserve to suffer as a perverse sort of penance. When we get tired of fighting Him, and we are finally willing to let Him help us, He is there patiently waiting. He knew bad things would happen. He planned for it and He has a plan in place already to overcome it. He wants us to have lasting joy and be completely happy if we choose to allow it. He will not heal us against our will. We have to decide if true and lasting happiness and joy is what we really want.
Some people are addicted to always searching for something, that is missing from their lives, and never being completely whole. They seek it everywhere, sometimes in ignorance, sometimes in defiance, trying to fill that emptiness in ways which never satisfy that need. They are doomed to never being completely happy. Something will always be missing and they will always feel broken. Moments of temporary happiness will not last and they will keep looking to fill a need in ways which can never satisfy that need.
God is the source of all that is good. He is our loving Father and we lived with Him before we were born. He allowed us to choose whether to be born and to follow His plan. If we are here it is because we chose Him and His plan. His plan is designed for us to be happy and to maximize our blessings. We are still free to choose whether to follow His plan. Being born was not the beginning and death is not the end. Birth is just the beginning of our mortal experience to prove to Him and to ourselves that we are willing to follow Him. We get out of life whatever it is that we want. If we want to be happy, God has provided the way. If we really don't want to be happy, God allows us to make that choice. We just have to decide what it is that we truly want.
Sometimes we struggle unaided as a deliberate choice, from a prideful desire to go it alone without His help. When we choose to fight Him and His plan for us to be happy, by not allowing Him to heal and help us, He respects our decision. God will force no man to heaven. We often underestimate His power to heal us, and lack the faith to ask for help, because we may not really believe we deserve to be healed. We may want to try to save ourselves or we might think we deserve to suffer as a perverse sort of penance. When we get tired of fighting Him, and we are finally willing to let Him help us, He is there patiently waiting. He knew bad things would happen. He planned for it and He has a plan in place already to overcome it. He wants us to have lasting joy and be completely happy if we choose to allow it. He will not heal us against our will. We have to decide if true and lasting happiness and joy is what we really want.
Some people are addicted to always searching for something, that is missing from their lives, and never being completely whole. They seek it everywhere, sometimes in ignorance, sometimes in defiance, trying to fill that emptiness in ways which never satisfy that need. They are doomed to never being completely happy. Something will always be missing and they will always feel broken. Moments of temporary happiness will not last and they will keep looking to fill a need in ways which can never satisfy that need.
God is the source of all that is good. He is our loving Father and we lived with Him before we were born. He allowed us to choose whether to be born and to follow His plan. If we are here it is because we chose Him and His plan. His plan is designed for us to be happy and to maximize our blessings. We are still free to choose whether to follow His plan. Being born was not the beginning and death is not the end. Birth is just the beginning of our mortal experience to prove to Him and to ourselves that we are willing to follow Him. We get out of life whatever it is that we want. If we want to be happy, God has provided the way. If we really don't want to be happy, God allows us to make that choice. We just have to decide what it is that we truly want.
Friday, August 31, 2018
Missing my adult children
A recent birthday made me think about and really miss my adult children. They don't understand yet how much a parent misses a child when they don't see them. When my oldest three were little, I was a stay at home dad for six months before their mother divorced me. She didn't really want them but changed her mind when some of her divorced friends told her about child support money. Then she wanted me to take the second oldest and she would keep the other two. I was happy to take the children but did not want to split them up. Finally she decided to keep them. This worked out okay at first because I lived near enough to watch them for her daily. She convinced me to give her my car saying that she needed it since she had the children. This became a problem though when she started dropping them off just before it was time for me to leave for work. I lived near enough to walk or bike to work but finding a babysitter at the last minute, especially without a vehicle to transport them, was not reasonable to expect me to do time and time and time again over and over and over. Especially when she claimed to want to be the custodial parent. I quickly burned through all of my available vacation and sick time until I risked being fired from my job. It was still evident she did not really want to be a mother if it meant she had to be responsible for taking care of children. It wasn't that she didn't love them, it was that being a custodial parent was inconvenient to the lifestyle she wanted to be living.
When she got remarried, they ended up moving out of state. I tried to call so I could speak with the children but she would not let me talk to them. She also denied me from having visitation. I had to research and figure out how to file papers through the court to enforce having parent time with my kids. After we went through court mediation, she began to let me occasionally speak to them on the phone but it was often interfered with and interrupted. There were tears on the other end of the line when one or more of them were denied having their turn. I would call back and try again until I made sure they had their turn. I tried calling at different times to see if that would help but it didn't because they did not have a consistent daily schedule. I wrote letters to them in addition to calling. Every summer it was a battle with my ex-wife to be able to see my children. I came to expect that, in order to see my children, I would have to take time off from work in order to go through court mediation so that parent time would be enforced. When my children became teenagers, they rejected me. This I did not expect and it hurt me deeply. I always thought they were smart enough that I would not have to tell them about what their mother was doing and that they would eventually see through all of her lies. I thought that they were smart enough to figure things out for themselves. So far that hasn't happened. Maybe it will as they get older.
I got remarried to a wonderful and beautiful in every way amazing woman. None of my three oldest children came to my wedding. My son has met her once but the other two haven't wanted to meet her. They are missing out because she already loves them and has made room in her heart for them. She prays for them would love to have them be part of our lives. I did not tell my oldest three children about what their mother was doing when they were younger because I was trying to shelter and protect them from knowing. I don't know if that was a mistake but I was doing what I felt was best for them. I didn't think that children needed to be burdened with adult issues and I wouldn't have known how to explain what was going on without speaking poorly of their mother which is something I wasn't willing to do. I just loved them and tried to be there for them as much as she would allow. I do not like confrontation but I was willing to fight to see them even if it meant going back through court mediation every time I was supposed to see them. Sometimes mediation wasn't resolved before opportunities had already been lost.
I did the very best I knew how to be a good husband and a good father. When my ex-wife wanted out of the marriage, I continued to put the children's interests before my own and do what was best for the children. I postponed my education in order to continue paying child support. My children have no idea the amount of sacrifices I had to make year after year just to be able to see them. They have no idea how hard it was to go through the court process yet again when their mother wouldn't allow scheduled visitation or when she wouldn't even let me talk to them on the phone. I never knew if they got my letters. I don't think she was trying to hurt the children by denying them access to their father. It was that having me be involved was inconvenient to her life now that they didn't live close enough for her to have me watch them. It never cost her money because I paid the cost of travel both directions but it did cause inconvenience for her to let me be part of their lives. When I was not notified of major life events, so that I could have been involved, I thought it was done out of spite in order to be hurtful. It might have been done simply out of a desire not to be inconvenienced. Letting me be involved in my children's lives would have taken meager amounts of effort on her part at communication and cooperation. Maybe she wasn't deliberately sabotaging my efforts. Maybe she just didn't want to be bothered.
When she got remarried, they ended up moving out of state. I tried to call so I could speak with the children but she would not let me talk to them. She also denied me from having visitation. I had to research and figure out how to file papers through the court to enforce having parent time with my kids. After we went through court mediation, she began to let me occasionally speak to them on the phone but it was often interfered with and interrupted. There were tears on the other end of the line when one or more of them were denied having their turn. I would call back and try again until I made sure they had their turn. I tried calling at different times to see if that would help but it didn't because they did not have a consistent daily schedule. I wrote letters to them in addition to calling. Every summer it was a battle with my ex-wife to be able to see my children. I came to expect that, in order to see my children, I would have to take time off from work in order to go through court mediation so that parent time would be enforced. When my children became teenagers, they rejected me. This I did not expect and it hurt me deeply. I always thought they were smart enough that I would not have to tell them about what their mother was doing and that they would eventually see through all of her lies. I thought that they were smart enough to figure things out for themselves. So far that hasn't happened. Maybe it will as they get older.
I got remarried to a wonderful and beautiful in every way amazing woman. None of my three oldest children came to my wedding. My son has met her once but the other two haven't wanted to meet her. They are missing out because she already loves them and has made room in her heart for them. She prays for them would love to have them be part of our lives. I did not tell my oldest three children about what their mother was doing when they were younger because I was trying to shelter and protect them from knowing. I don't know if that was a mistake but I was doing what I felt was best for them. I didn't think that children needed to be burdened with adult issues and I wouldn't have known how to explain what was going on without speaking poorly of their mother which is something I wasn't willing to do. I just loved them and tried to be there for them as much as she would allow. I do not like confrontation but I was willing to fight to see them even if it meant going back through court mediation every time I was supposed to see them. Sometimes mediation wasn't resolved before opportunities had already been lost.
I did the very best I knew how to be a good husband and a good father. When my ex-wife wanted out of the marriage, I continued to put the children's interests before my own and do what was best for the children. I postponed my education in order to continue paying child support. My children have no idea the amount of sacrifices I had to make year after year just to be able to see them. They have no idea how hard it was to go through the court process yet again when their mother wouldn't allow scheduled visitation or when she wouldn't even let me talk to them on the phone. I never knew if they got my letters. I don't think she was trying to hurt the children by denying them access to their father. It was that having me be involved was inconvenient to her life now that they didn't live close enough for her to have me watch them. It never cost her money because I paid the cost of travel both directions but it did cause inconvenience for her to let me be part of their lives. When I was not notified of major life events, so that I could have been involved, I thought it was done out of spite in order to be hurtful. It might have been done simply out of a desire not to be inconvenienced. Letting me be involved in my children's lives would have taken meager amounts of effort on her part at communication and cooperation. Maybe she wasn't deliberately sabotaging my efforts. Maybe she just didn't want to be bothered.
Sunday, April 8, 2018
Timing
"Faith also includes trust in God’s timing..."
So many blessings come from consistent, seemingly small, daily efforts over time. One of the most important is daily study of the Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Christ.
https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/introduction?lang=eng
Consistent daily prayer and study of the New Testament can have a similar effect. Learning the truth of one leads to knowing truth of the other. Both testify of our Lord and Savior. When it comes to overcoming temptation, the Book of Mormon contains more raw spiritual power but both can be effective with daily prayer.
Why the Book of Mormon? Because some needs and healing are only available from God. Read daily over time without fail and you will receive the multitude of blessings modern living prophets have promised. Get up earlier if needed or read together during meals. Find a way to make daily essential reading become a habit.
There is a reason that addiction recovery programs which actually work are based on faith in God.
Trying to fill our need for spiritual things and spiritual healing through other sources is something that often leads us to addiction. We are trying to meet spiritual and emotional health needs in ways which do not meet them.
Some childhood traumas, according to mental health professionals, cannot be healed. You can expect to never be normal and to accept it and learn coping strategies which you will use throughout your life. It is kind of like having a spiritual and emotional disability which requires you to compensate for it the same as you would compensate for other special needs. You just need to get used to adjusting to never being emotionally normal and never getting completely past those traumas.
God has a better way. You can be healed and healed completely as if the trauma had never happened. You can be made completely whole. You need to ask, and really mean it, and He will heal you. Sometimes we don't really want to change and we hang on stubbornly to our self-sufficient pride. We want to do this on our own without His help. Sometimes there is part of us that enjoys our unhealthy and dysfunctional ways of coping enough that we aren't really ready yet to give them up so we struggle on in defiance of His willingness to help. God will force no man to heaven. He respects our agency and will not help us against our will. When we finally tire of fighting against His will for us and we ask for help and really mean it, that is when we will be healed. God is the literal father of our spirits. We lived with Him before this life. As our Father, He is willing to help us but only to the extent which we are willing to allow. He hears us and will answer us if we truly and sincerely want His help. Our lives can be spiritually and emotionally easier and better if we accept His help. If we enjoy some part of our dysfunction and we aren't completely ready yet to give it up, He is patiently waiting for us to get tired of struggling and fighting against His will. He wants for us what is best but He also respects our right to choose. We just have to decide what we actually want. If we want to be healed completely and made whole, He will heal us but He will never do this against our will. We have to decide whether to ask and accept His help. We have to decide what we truly want, whether to be healed or whether we actually prefer to struggle. He is our Father and He loves us and wants to help but only if that is also what we want. We have to decide to ask Him and really mean it and then He will heal us. This is what it means to be spiritually reborn. It means allowing God's healing to happen in our lives if that is what we truly want. Whether we are ready to be healed or we prefer to continue being dysfunctional, He will respect our decision. God will force no man to heaven. Agency is part of His gift to us and He respects our right to choose.
There was a very dark time in my life during the years after my divorce. I tried to recover for a long time without going to God for help. He was there for me when I finally let Him. His healing is real.
Eventually, once I was healed and not before, He led me to meet a remarkable woman. I think it was important that I be healed first so I would be able to be emotionally healthy before we met. She is amazing. She is as much a miracle in my life as was my healing. When people see a picture of her or meet her, they take a second look at me with new eyes and their opinion of me increases. She is not merely beautiful in appearance but she is beautiful in every way. She is proof that miracles are real. My great blessing now is to strive to be worthy of such an amazing person. I could not do this without God's help. She is so beautiful and so amazing that I need God's help to even think of being worthy to be with someone like her. Each day with her is a miracle. She is amazing and beautiful beyond words. Incomprehensibly, I think she feels that way about me too. It took many years for me to heal and for me to quit being stubborn about trying to heal on my own. His healing was available as soon as I was ready to let it happen and to finally want to actually accept and allow His help. God needed me to heal first so I would be ready to be with someone like her. Miracles really do happen.
"Faith also includes trust in God’s timing..."
So many blessings come from consistent, seemingly small, daily efforts over time. One of the most important is daily study of the Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Christ.
https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/introduction?lang=eng
Consistent daily prayer and study of the New Testament can have a similar effect. Learning the truth of one leads to knowing truth of the other. Both testify of our Lord and Savior. When it comes to overcoming temptation, the Book of Mormon contains more raw spiritual power but both can be effective with daily prayer.
Why the Book of Mormon? Because some needs and healing are only available from God. Read daily over time without fail and you will receive the multitude of blessings modern living prophets have promised. Get up earlier if needed or read together during meals. Find a way to make daily essential reading become a habit.
There is a reason that addiction recovery programs which actually work are based on faith in God.
Trying to fill our need for spiritual things and spiritual healing through other sources is something that often leads us to addiction. We are trying to meet spiritual and emotional health needs in ways which do not meet them.
Some childhood traumas, according to mental health professionals, cannot be healed. You can expect to never be normal and to accept it and learn coping strategies which you will use throughout your life. It is kind of like having a spiritual and emotional disability which requires you to compensate for it the same as you would compensate for other special needs. You just need to get used to adjusting to never being emotionally normal and never getting completely past those traumas.
God has a better way. You can be healed and healed completely as if the trauma had never happened. You can be made completely whole. You need to ask, and really mean it, and He will heal you. Sometimes we don't really want to change and we hang on stubbornly to our self-sufficient pride. We want to do this on our own without His help. Sometimes there is part of us that enjoys our unhealthy and dysfunctional ways of coping enough that we aren't really ready yet to give them up so we struggle on in defiance of His willingness to help. God will force no man to heaven. He respects our agency and will not help us against our will. When we finally tire of fighting against His will for us and we ask for help and really mean it, that is when we will be healed. God is the literal father of our spirits. We lived with Him before this life. As our Father, He is willing to help us but only to the extent which we are willing to allow. He hears us and will answer us if we truly and sincerely want His help. Our lives can be spiritually and emotionally easier and better if we accept His help. If we enjoy some part of our dysfunction and we aren't completely ready yet to give it up, He is patiently waiting for us to get tired of struggling and fighting against His will. He wants for us what is best but He also respects our right to choose. We just have to decide what we actually want. If we want to be healed completely and made whole, He will heal us but He will never do this against our will. We have to decide whether to ask and accept His help. We have to decide what we truly want, whether to be healed or whether we actually prefer to struggle. He is our Father and He loves us and wants to help but only if that is also what we want. We have to decide to ask Him and really mean it and then He will heal us. This is what it means to be spiritually reborn. It means allowing God's healing to happen in our lives if that is what we truly want. Whether we are ready to be healed or we prefer to continue being dysfunctional, He will respect our decision. God will force no man to heaven. Agency is part of His gift to us and He respects our right to choose.
There was a very dark time in my life during the years after my divorce. I tried to recover for a long time without going to God for help. He was there for me when I finally let Him. His healing is real.
Eventually, once I was healed and not before, He led me to meet a remarkable woman. I think it was important that I be healed first so I would be able to be emotionally healthy before we met. She is amazing. She is as much a miracle in my life as was my healing. When people see a picture of her or meet her, they take a second look at me with new eyes and their opinion of me increases. She is not merely beautiful in appearance but she is beautiful in every way. She is proof that miracles are real. My great blessing now is to strive to be worthy of such an amazing person. I could not do this without God's help. She is so beautiful and so amazing that I need God's help to even think of being worthy to be with someone like her. Each day with her is a miracle. She is amazing and beautiful beyond words. Incomprehensibly, I think she feels that way about me too. It took many years for me to heal and for me to quit being stubborn about trying to heal on my own. His healing was available as soon as I was ready to let it happen and to finally want to actually accept and allow His help. God needed me to heal first so I would be ready to be with someone like her. Miracles really do happen.
"Faith also includes trust in God’s timing..."
Monday, April 2, 2018
Selfishness
The cause of all divorces is selfishness. If both are willing, two unselfish people can work through difficulties and problems. Communication and honesty only happen to the extent that both parties to the marriage are willing to be unselfish. Root causes for being selfish are often born out of self-preservation. Unresolved childhood trauma can result in dysfunctional behavior while trying to protect oneself from additional harm. Honest communication opens you to being vulnerable.
Here is a link to a website which I found very insightful after my divorce:
https://www.liveabout.com/an-experts-experience-co-parenting-with-a-narcissist-1103119
It is helpful to think of how you would deal with a child. Books on parenting, sadly, can be a great source of information because communicating with someone that has experienced this kind of trauma is similar because they are often stuck at the emotional age where the trauma occurred. If you are not religious, the bad news is that someone who has been wounded this deeply will never be normal and will need to learn coping strategies to use for the rest of their life. They suffer from a permanent emotional disability which will result in the sabotage of any normal healthy relationship as they try to recreate the past dysfunction so they can act it out. They will often be doomed to feel normal only if their current relationship mirrors this past dysfunction. In this case normal to them does not mean being happy, it means they feel at home. If you are not cooperating in their unhealthy dysfunction, they will likely move on to find someone who will. This is not your fault and you cannot fix them. If they choose not to get help, there is nothing you can do. It is up to them.
Here is a link to a website which I found very insightful after my divorce:
https://www.liveabout.com/an-experts-experience-co-parenting-with-a-narcissist-1103119
It is helpful to think of how you would deal with a child. Books on parenting, sadly, can be a great source of information because communicating with someone that has experienced this kind of trauma is similar because they are often stuck at the emotional age where the trauma occurred. If you are not religious, the bad news is that someone who has been wounded this deeply will never be normal and will need to learn coping strategies to use for the rest of their life. They suffer from a permanent emotional disability which will result in the sabotage of any normal healthy relationship as they try to recreate the past dysfunction so they can act it out. They will often be doomed to feel normal only if their current relationship mirrors this past dysfunction. In this case normal to them does not mean being happy, it means they feel at home. If you are not cooperating in their unhealthy dysfunction, they will likely move on to find someone who will. This is not your fault and you cannot fix them. If they choose not to get help, there is nothing you can do. It is up to them.
Thursday, March 22, 2018
Public health crisis
There was a TED talk years ago, not safe for young viewers, in which a woman who lives a promiscuous hedonistic lifestyle spoke about the unrealistic harmful effects of pornography. In her video she talks about how the fake version of sex portrayed in pornography impairs the ability of people attempting to have actual sex by giving them false information and wrong expectations about how to relate to each other in a sexual way. Ironically, she lives the kind of lifestyle pornography pretends to portray.
Each of us is unique. Even if those being filmed were not being scripted and somehow managed not to change their behavior from knowing they are on camera, even if what you saw was not fake, it would still be harmful in giving false expectations. What other individuals share is different than what you will experience because we are all unique.
In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Edmund ate food that was enchanted by witchcraft in order to make whoever ate it want to eat more and more. One of the reasons pornography becomes an addiction is because it does not satisfy the human need for intimacy. Consuming it leaves you unfulfilled. It is a hollow and empty counterfeit version which literally has the same effect as if abusing a drug.
There are more ways to be intimate with someone than just physically. You also need the other aspects if you want to be truly satisfied and fulfilled.
Once in a committed relationship, learn to appreciate nuance rather than novelty and do not neglect being emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually intimate. Don't neglect other needs either. Exercise can improve mental as well as physical health. Having a life out of balance can lead to addictions.
Pornography is destructive to relationships and to families.
If you are unable to quit completely, or if you don't want to quit but recognize you have a problem, addiction recovery meetings can help.
There is hope and healing available if you are willing to consistently go to the meetings.
Each of us is unique. Even if those being filmed were not being scripted and somehow managed not to change their behavior from knowing they are on camera, even if what you saw was not fake, it would still be harmful in giving false expectations. What other individuals share is different than what you will experience because we are all unique.
In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Edmund ate food that was enchanted by witchcraft in order to make whoever ate it want to eat more and more. One of the reasons pornography becomes an addiction is because it does not satisfy the human need for intimacy. Consuming it leaves you unfulfilled. It is a hollow and empty counterfeit version which literally has the same effect as if abusing a drug.
There are more ways to be intimate with someone than just physically. You also need the other aspects if you want to be truly satisfied and fulfilled.
Once in a committed relationship, learn to appreciate nuance rather than novelty and do not neglect being emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually intimate. Don't neglect other needs either. Exercise can improve mental as well as physical health. Having a life out of balance can lead to addictions.
Pornography is destructive to relationships and to families.
If you are unable to quit completely, or if you don't want to quit but recognize you have a problem, addiction recovery meetings can help.
There is hope and healing available if you are willing to consistently go to the meetings.
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Traditional marriage
So what is the ideal traditional marriage? There is a glaring hole in society's current observance. What society is missing is fidelity. It is not enough to say that marriage should be between a man and a woman. Many of those opposed to non-traditional marriage have a hypocritical double standard when it comes to laws of chastity. Somehow society became accepting of living together without being married; imitating marriage but without the courage of full commitment. This became normal and proponents for same sex marriage rightly pointed out that those for whom it was legal often were not participating in what was legally theirs. I do not agree with same sex marriage but if you are advocating for God's definition of marriage then you cannot exclude His other commandments. If you truly believe the Bible then fornication and living in sin are not okay.
Marriage should include complete faithfulness to your spouse. So you want to be recognized by society, not just with a legal equivalent that gives you all of the same rights under the law, but with the validation and approval that presumably comes with the label of marriage in order to condone what you are doing? Then, contrary to common practice, I suggest that you also take upon yourselves the full commitment that should accompany marriage.
Be completely loyal to your spouse before and after you are married. If you want to be fully faithful to the idea of marriage then your commitment starts even before meeting your spouse. You don't get to only commit to that person later if you should meet them. Let's agree not to call it marriage if you are not willing to be fully and completely faithful. This means no sexual relationships outside of marriage. You are not allowed to have sex with anyone other than your spouse and only with your spouse after you are married. You will have no other sex partners and that includes digital ones. You will never be unfaithful to your current or future spouse through pornographic audio, pictures, or books. Pornography is not allowed ever. If you should ever betray complete fidelity, even before you knew them, you have a duty to disclose it to them and to ask them to forgive you. They deserve someone who is honest about their commitment and, if you have been unfaithful, they deserve to choose whether or not to forgive.
Society has a chastity problem. Fornication and adultery are portrayed as normal. This is a lie glamorized on videos, on social media, on television and in movies and books. Children are being taught that this is okay.
Self-mastery is the goal of many philosophies, religions, and any activity which require high levels of expertise and skill. It is essential to professional performers. Self-mastery is required for achieving excellence in music, dance, poetry, writing, sports and martial arts. Motivational speakers and self-help gurus teach strategies for achieving self-control and self-mastery as a road to happiness, fulfillment, and wealth.
If you want to be married and be recognized as such then be completely faithful to your marriage. You are not excused from this future commitment when you are single. You are not allowed to have sex outside of marriage. Do not participate in any activity, either before or after you are married, that is a betrayal of that commitment. Do not have sex with anyone except your spouse and only after you are married. Do not engage in any activity which might jeopardize your commitment or lead you to be emotionally unfaithful. Do not participate in pornography ever. Do not choose to live a lifestyle that permits infidelity to your current or future spouse. Be completely faithful to your future spouse even if you haven't yet met.
Marriage should include complete faithfulness to your spouse. So you want to be recognized by society, not just with a legal equivalent that gives you all of the same rights under the law, but with the validation and approval that presumably comes with the label of marriage in order to condone what you are doing? Then, contrary to common practice, I suggest that you also take upon yourselves the full commitment that should accompany marriage.
Be completely loyal to your spouse before and after you are married. If you want to be fully faithful to the idea of marriage then your commitment starts even before meeting your spouse. You don't get to only commit to that person later if you should meet them. Let's agree not to call it marriage if you are not willing to be fully and completely faithful. This means no sexual relationships outside of marriage. You are not allowed to have sex with anyone other than your spouse and only with your spouse after you are married. You will have no other sex partners and that includes digital ones. You will never be unfaithful to your current or future spouse through pornographic audio, pictures, or books. Pornography is not allowed ever. If you should ever betray complete fidelity, even before you knew them, you have a duty to disclose it to them and to ask them to forgive you. They deserve someone who is honest about their commitment and, if you have been unfaithful, they deserve to choose whether or not to forgive.
Society has a chastity problem. Fornication and adultery are portrayed as normal. This is a lie glamorized on videos, on social media, on television and in movies and books. Children are being taught that this is okay.
Self-mastery is the goal of many philosophies, religions, and any activity which require high levels of expertise and skill. It is essential to professional performers. Self-mastery is required for achieving excellence in music, dance, poetry, writing, sports and martial arts. Motivational speakers and self-help gurus teach strategies for achieving self-control and self-mastery as a road to happiness, fulfillment, and wealth.
If you want to be married and be recognized as such then be completely faithful to your marriage. You are not excused from this future commitment when you are single. You are not allowed to have sex outside of marriage. Do not participate in any activity, either before or after you are married, that is a betrayal of that commitment. Do not have sex with anyone except your spouse and only after you are married. Do not engage in any activity which might jeopardize your commitment or lead you to be emotionally unfaithful. Do not participate in pornography ever. Do not choose to live a lifestyle that permits infidelity to your current or future spouse. Be completely faithful to your future spouse even if you haven't yet met.
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Saving a marriage
So how do you save a marriage? First of all, because of agency, we each have the ability to choose and to make our own decisions. Love is a deliberate choice. Marriage is a leap of faith. There are no guarantees. Both people, in a relationship, have to choose whether to love the other person. If you try to control another person's choices, this leads to unhealthy behaviors and dysfunction. The other person has to choose you and you have no control over that choice. True you might be able to influence their willingness by how you treat them, if you are kind, considerate, and selfless, but that is not the same thing as control. You can only control you and your own choices.
So what constitutes a betrayal? Some people have a romanticized version in their head of how things ought to be which has no basis in reality. Failure to communicate on your part, a lie of omission, amounts to dishonesty. Expecting someone to somehow know what you are thinking and feeling without direct communication might seem romantic but it is not realistic. It is not emotional abuse for someone to lack the ability to read your mind.
What if you are unhappy? Isn't it your spouse's responsibility to make you happy? NO!! IT IS NOT! You are responsible for you. Placing the responsibility on them for you is a cop-out based on the illusion that they can control you. Expecting them to control your agency and your decision whether to be happy might be the very reason you are so unhappy.
There are times when a divorce is the right decision. Unfaithfulness comes in different forms. When you are in physical danger from abuse it is important to protect yourself and your children. If your spouse is unfaithful, and not willing to even try to change, it is important to protect yourself and your children. When your spouse brings the effects of harmful addiction into your home, such as pornography, alcohol, or drugs, it is important to protect yourself and your children.
If you decide to forgive a betrayal, your spouse also has to be willing to change. You each have to choose the other person. There are no guarantees. You cannot save a marriage on your own. You are only responsible for you.
If both people are willing, counseling can help. Be cautious, however, because the wrong counselor might use techniques which are destructive of self-esteem and damaging rather than helpful. If you find yourself feeling worse after counseling, instead of better, you may need to seek help from a different counselor.
If you are religious, or even if you are not, prayer can also help. The saying that there are no atheists in foxholes also applies to other types of crisis.
"O God, Aaron hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me..."
The other thing which will help is reading daily, without fail, in the scriptures if done consistently over time. In particular, there is power in the Book of Mormon - a companion book of scripture to the Bible.
https://www.mormon.org/beliefs/book-of-mormon
Holy prophets have testified of its power. Whether or not you believe it, reading it daily actually does help. You may have to read at least an hour a day but you will notice the difference.
If you are at the point where you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage, try reading daily in the Book of Mormon. Similar to prayer and meditation, you will find that you have more patience, are more kind, less easily offended, and more happy if you read and study the Book of Mormon daily.
"That is the third reason for studying the book. It helps us draw nearer to God. Is there not something deep in our hearts that longs to draw nearer to God, to be more like Him in our daily walk, to feel His presence with us constantly? If so, then the Book of Mormon will help us do so more than any other book.
It is not just that the Book of Mormon teaches us truth, though it indeed does that. It is not just that the Book of Mormon bears testimony of Christ, though it indeed does that, too. But there is something more. There is a power in the book which will begin to flow into your lives the moment you begin a serious study of the book. You will find greater power to resist temptation. You will find the power to avoid deception. You will find the power to stay on the strait and narrow path. The scriptures are called “the words of life” (D&C 84:85), and nowhere is that more true than it is of the Book of Mormon. When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance."
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1986/10/the-book-of-mormon-keystone-of-our-religion?lang=eng
So what constitutes a betrayal? Some people have a romanticized version in their head of how things ought to be which has no basis in reality. Failure to communicate on your part, a lie of omission, amounts to dishonesty. Expecting someone to somehow know what you are thinking and feeling without direct communication might seem romantic but it is not realistic. It is not emotional abuse for someone to lack the ability to read your mind.
What if you are unhappy? Isn't it your spouse's responsibility to make you happy? NO!! IT IS NOT! You are responsible for you. Placing the responsibility on them for you is a cop-out based on the illusion that they can control you. Expecting them to control your agency and your decision whether to be happy might be the very reason you are so unhappy.
There are times when a divorce is the right decision. Unfaithfulness comes in different forms. When you are in physical danger from abuse it is important to protect yourself and your children. If your spouse is unfaithful, and not willing to even try to change, it is important to protect yourself and your children. When your spouse brings the effects of harmful addiction into your home, such as pornography, alcohol, or drugs, it is important to protect yourself and your children.
If you decide to forgive a betrayal, your spouse also has to be willing to change. You each have to choose the other person. There are no guarantees. You cannot save a marriage on your own. You are only responsible for you.
If both people are willing, counseling can help. Be cautious, however, because the wrong counselor might use techniques which are destructive of self-esteem and damaging rather than helpful. If you find yourself feeling worse after counseling, instead of better, you may need to seek help from a different counselor.
If you are religious, or even if you are not, prayer can also help. The saying that there are no atheists in foxholes also applies to other types of crisis.
"O God, Aaron hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me..."
The other thing which will help is reading daily, without fail, in the scriptures if done consistently over time. In particular, there is power in the Book of Mormon - a companion book of scripture to the Bible.
https://www.mormon.org/beliefs/book-of-mormon
Holy prophets have testified of its power. Whether or not you believe it, reading it daily actually does help. You may have to read at least an hour a day but you will notice the difference.
If you are at the point where you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage, try reading daily in the Book of Mormon. Similar to prayer and meditation, you will find that you have more patience, are more kind, less easily offended, and more happy if you read and study the Book of Mormon daily.
"That is the third reason for studying the book. It helps us draw nearer to God. Is there not something deep in our hearts that longs to draw nearer to God, to be more like Him in our daily walk, to feel His presence with us constantly? If so, then the Book of Mormon will help us do so more than any other book.
It is not just that the Book of Mormon teaches us truth, though it indeed does that. It is not just that the Book of Mormon bears testimony of Christ, though it indeed does that, too. But there is something more. There is a power in the book which will begin to flow into your lives the moment you begin a serious study of the book. You will find greater power to resist temptation. You will find the power to avoid deception. You will find the power to stay on the strait and narrow path. The scriptures are called “the words of life” (D&C 84:85), and nowhere is that more true than it is of the Book of Mormon. When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance."
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1986/10/the-book-of-mormon-keystone-of-our-religion?lang=eng
Monday, March 12, 2018
Porn kills love
Children are unavoidably exposed to pornographic content through access to technology. It manifests itself on ads and search results when browsing or using apps. No filter is good enough to completely protect children from inadvertent exposure. They will encounter it on television and other media. They will see it on devices at school, on the bus, with friends, at the library, and at home. Here is a link to a video which can assist parents in having the conversation about what children should do when this happens.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNeYQA3ZeX8
If they haven't already, many children will experience molestation and sexual abuse fueled by porn consumers.
Increasingly, governments and health organizations are recognizing the effects of porn consumption as a health crisis.
https://youtu.be/ys2n8NpKo6s
https://fightthenewdrug.org/
The demand for porn is driven by money, either by those who pay for it directly or by advertisement dollars paid from visiting sites that offer content for free. These sites are still making money through ads which, in turn, generates increased demand. Human trafficking, a modern form of slavery, is a worldwide crisis linked to demand for porn. When you click, you increase ad revenue which increases demand for content. Basically, by viewing it, you are contributing to this crisis.
So what happens if you get addicted? If you are a true addict, the horror of knowing this increases your feelings of guilt but this may not be enough to get you clean.
There are addiction recovery programs which can help. Similar to AA for alcoholics, there are meetings which you can attend in order to get clean.
https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng
So how does porn kill love exactly? Especially in men, it leads to the inability to function and have normal relationships with a real partner. It interferes with the natural bonding that should occur mentally (because it alters brain chemistry) and physically (because it also messes with biological function) with another person. Ironically, the manufactured fake fantasy version causes the inability to have and function in the actual real life version. It also impairs your ability to connect with someone on an emotional and spiritual level.
Even worse, it causes loss of trust. Trust, in a relationship, is more important than love. In this way, it kills love on the part of your partner. Ever after, anything you do for them is tainted and it takes a great deal of time and willingness by them to forgive in order for you to earn it back. There is hope if you are willing to change and if you are willing to get help. If you are truly an addict, YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO OVERCOME THIS ON YOUR OWN. It will require getting help. In addition to attending meetings, prayer, as part of your recovery, and also reading daily, without fail, in the scriptures will give you strength to recover more quickly if done consistently over time. In particular, there is power in the Book of Mormon - a companion book of scripture to the Bible.
https://www.mormon.org/beliefs/book-of-mormon
Holy prophets have testified of its power. Whether or not you believe it, reading it daily actually does help. You may have to read at least an hour a day but you will notice the difference.
If you are not religious, you may at least have some type of belief in being spiritual no matter how God manifests Himself to you. If you pray to Him and ask for help, He will give you strength if that is what you truly want. If you don't yet really truthfully honestly want to change, then go to the meetings. If you are willing to be willing (in other words, if you don't yet want to change but would be willing to change if you did) then the meetings can help.
"Bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNeYQA3ZeX8
If they haven't already, many children will experience molestation and sexual abuse fueled by porn consumers.
Increasingly, governments and health organizations are recognizing the effects of porn consumption as a health crisis.
https://youtu.be/ys2n8NpKo6s
https://fightthenewdrug.org/
The demand for porn is driven by money, either by those who pay for it directly or by advertisement dollars paid from visiting sites that offer content for free. These sites are still making money through ads which, in turn, generates increased demand. Human trafficking, a modern form of slavery, is a worldwide crisis linked to demand for porn. When you click, you increase ad revenue which increases demand for content. Basically, by viewing it, you are contributing to this crisis.
So what happens if you get addicted? If you are a true addict, the horror of knowing this increases your feelings of guilt but this may not be enough to get you clean.
There are addiction recovery programs which can help. Similar to AA for alcoholics, there are meetings which you can attend in order to get clean.
https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng
So how does porn kill love exactly? Especially in men, it leads to the inability to function and have normal relationships with a real partner. It interferes with the natural bonding that should occur mentally (because it alters brain chemistry) and physically (because it also messes with biological function) with another person. Ironically, the manufactured fake fantasy version causes the inability to have and function in the actual real life version. It also impairs your ability to connect with someone on an emotional and spiritual level.
Even worse, it causes loss of trust. Trust, in a relationship, is more important than love. In this way, it kills love on the part of your partner. Ever after, anything you do for them is tainted and it takes a great deal of time and willingness by them to forgive in order for you to earn it back. There is hope if you are willing to change and if you are willing to get help. If you are truly an addict, YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO OVERCOME THIS ON YOUR OWN. It will require getting help. In addition to attending meetings, prayer, as part of your recovery, and also reading daily, without fail, in the scriptures will give you strength to recover more quickly if done consistently over time. In particular, there is power in the Book of Mormon - a companion book of scripture to the Bible.
https://www.mormon.org/beliefs/book-of-mormon
Holy prophets have testified of its power. Whether or not you believe it, reading it daily actually does help. You may have to read at least an hour a day but you will notice the difference.
If you are not religious, you may at least have some type of belief in being spiritual no matter how God manifests Himself to you. If you pray to Him and ask for help, He will give you strength if that is what you truly want. If you don't yet really truthfully honestly want to change, then go to the meetings. If you are willing to be willing (in other words, if you don't yet want to change but would be willing to change if you did) then the meetings can help.
"Bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love."
Friday, March 9, 2018
Stress eating
Have you ever noticed that you tend to crave junk food at times when your body is deprived of sleep? Sometimes you may also feel hungry when you are actually thirsty and drinking water will satisfy the feeling of hunger. I imagine that many unhealthy habits and addictions result from trying to satisfy a need in a way which gives a momentary feeling of relief but doesn't actually satisfy that need. Some of these are forms of avoidance but others result from misinterpreting our needs. Self defeating behaviors get reinforced when we don't recognize our actual needs but keep trying to feed ourselves (whether physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, or spiritually) with something that doesn't meet our actual needs. We keep trying to fill one need with another and this continues until we finally figure it out (and make the appropriate behavioral change). Some people never do.
"You can never get enough of what you don't need, because what you don't need won't satisfy you."
—Dallin H. Oaks
"You can never get enough of what you don't need, because what you don't need won't satisfy you."
—Dallin H. Oaks
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