I have a daughter that has withdrawn herself from being part of my life. I was the one that fed her and changed her diapers as an infant, whenever I was home, because her mother took it personally that she did not want to nurse. Her mother said, "My baby doesn't want me." When her mother was unfaithful in our marriage, and filed for divorce, she wanted to leave her with me and keep the other children with her. She did not want to be her mother. I did not want to split up the children. I felt it would be wrong to do that to them. Her mother insisted. I did not know what to do. I would happily take all of them but I didn't want to split them up. They were losing enough with the divorce of their parents. I did not want them to feel like they were losing each other too.
Her mother's greed came to the rescue. She had some divorced new "friends" that convinced her to keep all the kids for the child support money. After maxing out our credit cards, she emptied our bank account, including all our tax return money, and bought a car from one of her "friends." The car, promptly broke down and wouldn't run. She did not want to offend her friend by accusing her of selling her a lemon. She convinced me to give her my car, for the sake of the children, since I lived close enough that I could ride a bicycle or walk to work. She lived close enough to me that she dropped them off at my place pretty much any time I was not at work. She began showing up without warning right before I had to leave for work and wanting me to take them. I quickly ran out of vacation and sick days and nearly lost my job.
She lived in sin with the guy from the affair for about a year. When their relationship ended, she met another guy and went with him to Vegas to get married after knowing him less than a week. The previous boyfriend began texting her again and trying to hook up. Her new husband wisely found a job out of state to move her away from her boyfriend. This is when things started to get difficult for me to have any contact with my children. Their mother began refusing and interfering in phone time whenever I tried to call them. I wrote letters not knowing if they got them. I petitioned the court and we went through required mediation. I was able to speak to my children sometimes again on the phone but their mother continued to interfere and so it was not consistent. Sometimes their new stepdad would yell at them to get off the phone when I had been talking to them for just a few minutes.
I had to petition the court every single year after they moved, and go through required mediation, in order to see my children. Sometimes it was too late by the time visitation was refused, and I did not get to see them for many holidays, because mediation through the court did not remedy opportunities that were already lost. In order for a child to see through the lies of a toxic parent, it requires spending time with the other parent so they can see for themselves that the lies are not true. My children started to be affected by the negative attitude of their mother. During one summer my daughter, that had been previously close to me from bonding when she was little, refused to come for visitation. When I confronted her mother about it, she told our daughter that I was going to take our daughter to court!? Is that even a thing? For a parent to sue a child because of interference by the mother? Would the courts even allow something like that? I was willing to fight for my daughter, if she wanted me to, but not against her. When I realized my daughter was saying she did not want to come I had to back off. I did not ever want the children to be caught in the middle. It is wrong for parents to do that.
I thought things might get better once my children moved out but they still haven't seen past the lies and deception. It might take spending time with me for them to see for themselves that all the things their mother says about me are simply not true. For years, I tried to get my ex-wife to have empathy about the importance of time with my children. I thought I could reason with her and get her to feel some compassion. I finally realized that empathy is beyond her capacity. I don't really understand why but she doesn't seem to have to have the ability to see things from any point of view but her own. Sometimes we might exaggerate and say that about someone that is just being mean but, in this case, it is not that she might be capable of empathy and chooses not have compassion out of pure meanness - empathy does not seem to be something she can comprehend. No amount of explaining can get her to understand. That was a very strange realization. To go from thinking that someone is just being rude by not showing any compassion and then to realize that they are limited to not even be able to see things from any other point of view.
I do not blame my daughter. She has been through a lot. Having a toxic mother as a parent is not her fault. I don't know that it is even her mother's fault if her mother does not have the empathy required to do what's best for her children instead of what she thinks is best for her. Is it being selfish if you can't see things from another point of view or is it more like someone with special needs that causes someone to lack the ability to empathize with others? What would even cause that? Traumatic Brain Injury? Maybe something extremely horrific that happened during childhood? My ex-wife does not remember most of her childhood. How bad would something have to be to cause you to lose the ability to have empathy, even for your own children? It is very strange. I do not understand it.
