There was a TED talk years ago, not safe for young viewers, in which a woman who lives a promiscuous hedonistic lifestyle spoke about the unrealistic harmful effects of pornography. In her video she talks about how the fake version of sex portrayed in pornography impairs the ability of people attempting to have actual sex by giving them false information and wrong expectations about how to relate to each other in a sexual way. Ironically, she lives the kind of lifestyle pornography pretends to portray.
Each of us is unique. Even if those being filmed were not being scripted and somehow managed not to change their behavior from knowing they are on camera, even if what you saw was not fake, it would still be harmful in giving false expectations. What other individuals share is different than what you will experience because we are all unique.
In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Edmund ate food that was enchanted by witchcraft in order to make whoever ate it want to eat more and more. One of the reasons pornography becomes an addiction is because it does not satisfy the human need for intimacy. Consuming it leaves you unfulfilled. It is a hollow and empty counterfeit version which literally has the same effect as if abusing a drug.
There are more ways to be intimate with someone than just physically. You also need the other aspects if you want to be truly satisfied and fulfilled.
Once in a committed relationship, learn to appreciate nuance rather than novelty and do not neglect being emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually intimate. Don't neglect other needs either. Exercise can improve mental as well as physical health. Having a life out of balance can lead to addictions.
Pornography is destructive to relationships and to families.
If you are unable to quit completely, or if you don't want to quit but recognize you have a problem, addiction recovery meetings can help.
There is hope and healing available if you are willing to consistently go to the meetings.
Thursday, March 22, 2018
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Traditional marriage
So what is the ideal traditional marriage? There is a glaring hole in society's current observance. What society is missing is fidelity. It is not enough to say that marriage should be between a man and a woman. Many of those opposed to non-traditional marriage have a hypocritical double standard when it comes to laws of chastity. Somehow society became accepting of living together without being married; imitating marriage but without the courage of full commitment. This became normal and proponents for same sex marriage rightly pointed out that those for whom it was legal often were not participating in what was legally theirs. I do not agree with same sex marriage but if you are advocating for God's definition of marriage then you cannot exclude His other commandments. If you truly believe the Bible then fornication and living in sin are not okay.
Marriage should include complete faithfulness to your spouse. So you want to be recognized by society, not just with a legal equivalent that gives you all of the same rights under the law, but with the validation and approval that presumably comes with the label of marriage in order to condone what you are doing? Then, contrary to common practice, I suggest that you also take upon yourselves the full commitment that should accompany marriage.
Be completely loyal to your spouse before and after you are married. If you want to be fully faithful to the idea of marriage then your commitment starts even before meeting your spouse. You don't get to only commit to that person later if you should meet them. Let's agree not to call it marriage if you are not willing to be fully and completely faithful. This means no sexual relationships outside of marriage. You are not allowed to have sex with anyone other than your spouse and only with your spouse after you are married. You will have no other sex partners and that includes digital ones. You will never be unfaithful to your current or future spouse through pornographic audio, pictures, or books. Pornography is not allowed ever. If you should ever betray complete fidelity, even before you knew them, you have a duty to disclose it to them and to ask them to forgive you. They deserve someone who is honest about their commitment and, if you have been unfaithful, they deserve to choose whether or not to forgive.
Society has a chastity problem. Fornication and adultery are portrayed as normal. This is a lie glamorized on videos, on social media, on television and in movies and books. Children are being taught that this is okay.
Self-mastery is the goal of many philosophies, religions, and any activity which require high levels of expertise and skill. It is essential to professional performers. Self-mastery is required for achieving excellence in music, dance, poetry, writing, sports and martial arts. Motivational speakers and self-help gurus teach strategies for achieving self-control and self-mastery as a road to happiness, fulfillment, and wealth.
If you want to be married and be recognized as such then be completely faithful to your marriage. You are not excused from this future commitment when you are single. You are not allowed to have sex outside of marriage. Do not participate in any activity, either before or after you are married, that is a betrayal of that commitment. Do not have sex with anyone except your spouse and only after you are married. Do not engage in any activity which might jeopardize your commitment or lead you to be emotionally unfaithful. Do not participate in pornography ever. Do not choose to live a lifestyle that permits infidelity to your current or future spouse. Be completely faithful to your future spouse even if you haven't yet met.
Marriage should include complete faithfulness to your spouse. So you want to be recognized by society, not just with a legal equivalent that gives you all of the same rights under the law, but with the validation and approval that presumably comes with the label of marriage in order to condone what you are doing? Then, contrary to common practice, I suggest that you also take upon yourselves the full commitment that should accompany marriage.
Be completely loyal to your spouse before and after you are married. If you want to be fully faithful to the idea of marriage then your commitment starts even before meeting your spouse. You don't get to only commit to that person later if you should meet them. Let's agree not to call it marriage if you are not willing to be fully and completely faithful. This means no sexual relationships outside of marriage. You are not allowed to have sex with anyone other than your spouse and only with your spouse after you are married. You will have no other sex partners and that includes digital ones. You will never be unfaithful to your current or future spouse through pornographic audio, pictures, or books. Pornography is not allowed ever. If you should ever betray complete fidelity, even before you knew them, you have a duty to disclose it to them and to ask them to forgive you. They deserve someone who is honest about their commitment and, if you have been unfaithful, they deserve to choose whether or not to forgive.
Society has a chastity problem. Fornication and adultery are portrayed as normal. This is a lie glamorized on videos, on social media, on television and in movies and books. Children are being taught that this is okay.
Self-mastery is the goal of many philosophies, religions, and any activity which require high levels of expertise and skill. It is essential to professional performers. Self-mastery is required for achieving excellence in music, dance, poetry, writing, sports and martial arts. Motivational speakers and self-help gurus teach strategies for achieving self-control and self-mastery as a road to happiness, fulfillment, and wealth.
If you want to be married and be recognized as such then be completely faithful to your marriage. You are not excused from this future commitment when you are single. You are not allowed to have sex outside of marriage. Do not participate in any activity, either before or after you are married, that is a betrayal of that commitment. Do not have sex with anyone except your spouse and only after you are married. Do not engage in any activity which might jeopardize your commitment or lead you to be emotionally unfaithful. Do not participate in pornography ever. Do not choose to live a lifestyle that permits infidelity to your current or future spouse. Be completely faithful to your future spouse even if you haven't yet met.
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Saving a marriage
So how do you save a marriage? First of all, because of agency, we each have the ability to choose and to make our own decisions. Love is a deliberate choice. Marriage is a leap of faith. There are no guarantees. Both people, in a relationship, have to choose whether to love the other person. If you try to control another person's choices, this leads to unhealthy behaviors and dysfunction. The other person has to choose you and you have no control over that choice. True you might be able to influence their willingness by how you treat them, if you are kind, considerate, and selfless, but that is not the same thing as control. You can only control you and your own choices.
So what constitutes a betrayal? Some people have a romanticized version in their head of how things ought to be which has no basis in reality. Failure to communicate on your part, a lie of omission, amounts to dishonesty. Expecting someone to somehow know what you are thinking and feeling without direct communication might seem romantic but it is not realistic. It is not emotional abuse for someone to lack the ability to read your mind.
What if you are unhappy? Isn't it your spouse's responsibility to make you happy? NO!! IT IS NOT! You are responsible for you. Placing the responsibility on them for you is a cop-out based on the illusion that they can control you. Expecting them to control your agency and your decision whether to be happy might be the very reason you are so unhappy.
There are times when a divorce is the right decision. Unfaithfulness comes in different forms. When you are in physical danger from abuse it is important to protect yourself and your children. If your spouse is unfaithful, and not willing to even try to change, it is important to protect yourself and your children. When your spouse brings the effects of harmful addiction into your home, such as pornography, alcohol, or drugs, it is important to protect yourself and your children.
If you decide to forgive a betrayal, your spouse also has to be willing to change. You each have to choose the other person. There are no guarantees. You cannot save a marriage on your own. You are only responsible for you.
If both people are willing, counseling can help. Be cautious, however, because the wrong counselor might use techniques which are destructive of self-esteem and damaging rather than helpful. If you find yourself feeling worse after counseling, instead of better, you may need to seek help from a different counselor.
If you are religious, or even if you are not, prayer can also help. The saying that there are no atheists in foxholes also applies to other types of crisis.
"O God, Aaron hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me..."
The other thing which will help is reading daily, without fail, in the scriptures if done consistently over time. In particular, there is power in the Book of Mormon - a companion book of scripture to the Bible.
https://www.mormon.org/beliefs/book-of-mormon
Holy prophets have testified of its power. Whether or not you believe it, reading it daily actually does help. You may have to read at least an hour a day but you will notice the difference.
If you are at the point where you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage, try reading daily in the Book of Mormon. Similar to prayer and meditation, you will find that you have more patience, are more kind, less easily offended, and more happy if you read and study the Book of Mormon daily.
"That is the third reason for studying the book. It helps us draw nearer to God. Is there not something deep in our hearts that longs to draw nearer to God, to be more like Him in our daily walk, to feel His presence with us constantly? If so, then the Book of Mormon will help us do so more than any other book.
It is not just that the Book of Mormon teaches us truth, though it indeed does that. It is not just that the Book of Mormon bears testimony of Christ, though it indeed does that, too. But there is something more. There is a power in the book which will begin to flow into your lives the moment you begin a serious study of the book. You will find greater power to resist temptation. You will find the power to avoid deception. You will find the power to stay on the strait and narrow path. The scriptures are called “the words of life” (D&C 84:85), and nowhere is that more true than it is of the Book of Mormon. When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance."
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1986/10/the-book-of-mormon-keystone-of-our-religion?lang=eng
So what constitutes a betrayal? Some people have a romanticized version in their head of how things ought to be which has no basis in reality. Failure to communicate on your part, a lie of omission, amounts to dishonesty. Expecting someone to somehow know what you are thinking and feeling without direct communication might seem romantic but it is not realistic. It is not emotional abuse for someone to lack the ability to read your mind.
What if you are unhappy? Isn't it your spouse's responsibility to make you happy? NO!! IT IS NOT! You are responsible for you. Placing the responsibility on them for you is a cop-out based on the illusion that they can control you. Expecting them to control your agency and your decision whether to be happy might be the very reason you are so unhappy.
There are times when a divorce is the right decision. Unfaithfulness comes in different forms. When you are in physical danger from abuse it is important to protect yourself and your children. If your spouse is unfaithful, and not willing to even try to change, it is important to protect yourself and your children. When your spouse brings the effects of harmful addiction into your home, such as pornography, alcohol, or drugs, it is important to protect yourself and your children.
If you decide to forgive a betrayal, your spouse also has to be willing to change. You each have to choose the other person. There are no guarantees. You cannot save a marriage on your own. You are only responsible for you.
If both people are willing, counseling can help. Be cautious, however, because the wrong counselor might use techniques which are destructive of self-esteem and damaging rather than helpful. If you find yourself feeling worse after counseling, instead of better, you may need to seek help from a different counselor.
If you are religious, or even if you are not, prayer can also help. The saying that there are no atheists in foxholes also applies to other types of crisis.
"O God, Aaron hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me..."
The other thing which will help is reading daily, without fail, in the scriptures if done consistently over time. In particular, there is power in the Book of Mormon - a companion book of scripture to the Bible.
https://www.mormon.org/beliefs/book-of-mormon
Holy prophets have testified of its power. Whether or not you believe it, reading it daily actually does help. You may have to read at least an hour a day but you will notice the difference.
If you are at the point where you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage, try reading daily in the Book of Mormon. Similar to prayer and meditation, you will find that you have more patience, are more kind, less easily offended, and more happy if you read and study the Book of Mormon daily.
"That is the third reason for studying the book. It helps us draw nearer to God. Is there not something deep in our hearts that longs to draw nearer to God, to be more like Him in our daily walk, to feel His presence with us constantly? If so, then the Book of Mormon will help us do so more than any other book.
It is not just that the Book of Mormon teaches us truth, though it indeed does that. It is not just that the Book of Mormon bears testimony of Christ, though it indeed does that, too. But there is something more. There is a power in the book which will begin to flow into your lives the moment you begin a serious study of the book. You will find greater power to resist temptation. You will find the power to avoid deception. You will find the power to stay on the strait and narrow path. The scriptures are called “the words of life” (D&C 84:85), and nowhere is that more true than it is of the Book of Mormon. When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance."
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1986/10/the-book-of-mormon-keystone-of-our-religion?lang=eng
Monday, March 12, 2018
Porn kills love
Children are unavoidably exposed to pornographic content through access to technology. It manifests itself on ads and search results when browsing or using apps. No filter is good enough to completely protect children from inadvertent exposure. They will encounter it on television and other media. They will see it on devices at school, on the bus, with friends, at the library, and at home. Here is a link to a video which can assist parents in having the conversation about what children should do when this happens.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNeYQA3ZeX8
If they haven't already, many children will experience molestation and sexual abuse fueled by porn consumers.
Increasingly, governments and health organizations are recognizing the effects of porn consumption as a health crisis.
https://youtu.be/ys2n8NpKo6s
https://fightthenewdrug.org/
The demand for porn is driven by money, either by those who pay for it directly or by advertisement dollars paid from visiting sites that offer content for free. These sites are still making money through ads which, in turn, generates increased demand. Human trafficking, a modern form of slavery, is a worldwide crisis linked to demand for porn. When you click, you increase ad revenue which increases demand for content. Basically, by viewing it, you are contributing to this crisis.
So what happens if you get addicted? If you are a true addict, the horror of knowing this increases your feelings of guilt but this may not be enough to get you clean.
There are addiction recovery programs which can help. Similar to AA for alcoholics, there are meetings which you can attend in order to get clean.
https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng
So how does porn kill love exactly? Especially in men, it leads to the inability to function and have normal relationships with a real partner. It interferes with the natural bonding that should occur mentally (because it alters brain chemistry) and physically (because it also messes with biological function) with another person. Ironically, the manufactured fake fantasy version causes the inability to have and function in the actual real life version. It also impairs your ability to connect with someone on an emotional and spiritual level.
Even worse, it causes loss of trust. Trust, in a relationship, is more important than love. In this way, it kills love on the part of your partner. Ever after, anything you do for them is tainted and it takes a great deal of time and willingness by them to forgive in order for you to earn it back. There is hope if you are willing to change and if you are willing to get help. If you are truly an addict, YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO OVERCOME THIS ON YOUR OWN. It will require getting help. In addition to attending meetings, prayer, as part of your recovery, and also reading daily, without fail, in the scriptures will give you strength to recover more quickly if done consistently over time. In particular, there is power in the Book of Mormon - a companion book of scripture to the Bible.
https://www.mormon.org/beliefs/book-of-mormon
Holy prophets have testified of its power. Whether or not you believe it, reading it daily actually does help. You may have to read at least an hour a day but you will notice the difference.
If you are not religious, you may at least have some type of belief in being spiritual no matter how God manifests Himself to you. If you pray to Him and ask for help, He will give you strength if that is what you truly want. If you don't yet really truthfully honestly want to change, then go to the meetings. If you are willing to be willing (in other words, if you don't yet want to change but would be willing to change if you did) then the meetings can help.
"Bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNeYQA3ZeX8
If they haven't already, many children will experience molestation and sexual abuse fueled by porn consumers.
Increasingly, governments and health organizations are recognizing the effects of porn consumption as a health crisis.
https://youtu.be/ys2n8NpKo6s
https://fightthenewdrug.org/
The demand for porn is driven by money, either by those who pay for it directly or by advertisement dollars paid from visiting sites that offer content for free. These sites are still making money through ads which, in turn, generates increased demand. Human trafficking, a modern form of slavery, is a worldwide crisis linked to demand for porn. When you click, you increase ad revenue which increases demand for content. Basically, by viewing it, you are contributing to this crisis.
So what happens if you get addicted? If you are a true addict, the horror of knowing this increases your feelings of guilt but this may not be enough to get you clean.
There are addiction recovery programs which can help. Similar to AA for alcoholics, there are meetings which you can attend in order to get clean.
https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng
So how does porn kill love exactly? Especially in men, it leads to the inability to function and have normal relationships with a real partner. It interferes with the natural bonding that should occur mentally (because it alters brain chemistry) and physically (because it also messes with biological function) with another person. Ironically, the manufactured fake fantasy version causes the inability to have and function in the actual real life version. It also impairs your ability to connect with someone on an emotional and spiritual level.
Even worse, it causes loss of trust. Trust, in a relationship, is more important than love. In this way, it kills love on the part of your partner. Ever after, anything you do for them is tainted and it takes a great deal of time and willingness by them to forgive in order for you to earn it back. There is hope if you are willing to change and if you are willing to get help. If you are truly an addict, YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO OVERCOME THIS ON YOUR OWN. It will require getting help. In addition to attending meetings, prayer, as part of your recovery, and also reading daily, without fail, in the scriptures will give you strength to recover more quickly if done consistently over time. In particular, there is power in the Book of Mormon - a companion book of scripture to the Bible.
https://www.mormon.org/beliefs/book-of-mormon
Holy prophets have testified of its power. Whether or not you believe it, reading it daily actually does help. You may have to read at least an hour a day but you will notice the difference.
If you are not religious, you may at least have some type of belief in being spiritual no matter how God manifests Himself to you. If you pray to Him and ask for help, He will give you strength if that is what you truly want. If you don't yet really truthfully honestly want to change, then go to the meetings. If you are willing to be willing (in other words, if you don't yet want to change but would be willing to change if you did) then the meetings can help.
"Bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love."
Friday, March 9, 2018
Stress eating
Have you ever noticed that you tend to crave junk food at times when your body is deprived of sleep? Sometimes you may also feel hungry when you are actually thirsty and drinking water will satisfy the feeling of hunger. I imagine that many unhealthy habits and addictions result from trying to satisfy a need in a way which gives a momentary feeling of relief but doesn't actually satisfy that need. Some of these are forms of avoidance but others result from misinterpreting our needs. Self defeating behaviors get reinforced when we don't recognize our actual needs but keep trying to feed ourselves (whether physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, or spiritually) with something that doesn't meet our actual needs. We keep trying to fill one need with another and this continues until we finally figure it out (and make the appropriate behavioral change). Some people never do.
"You can never get enough of what you don't need, because what you don't need won't satisfy you."
—Dallin H. Oaks
"You can never get enough of what you don't need, because what you don't need won't satisfy you."
—Dallin H. Oaks
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